CHARMAINE♥

2012-01-15T01:28:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

I wish you would encourage me or just wishing me a good luck for the event later. Really wish you would because it means alot to me. Sighs. 2 more days till the fourth month of not having you and sometimes I'm still stuck here, missing you and all. Why is it so unfair. And you know, you mean so much to me that I'll never stay mad at you. Seeing you talking to others and simply ignoring me, hurts me in the heart.. Why. Because I'm not pretty enough? I'm not skinny enough? I'm not attractive enough? Fucked up. I wish the world would end, seriously.

2012-01-08T12:37:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

Heard you hurt both your ankles, how stupid can you get. Yeah, I worry for you and I care for you and yet you simply brush me aside and ignore me. You now it makes me feel more like a really dumb fool, still trying to always ensure that I'm will be there for you. It makes me feel pathetic at times. Hate you see you happy when I know that I'm not the one who made you smile. And yesterday I went away for quite some time, doesn't matter where I went actually because I saw you and her together which really breaks my heart even more. I'm just feeling that my life is full of lies and all. It feels so fake now.

2012-01-05T23:42:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

I don't know why sometimes I'd still cry at night, like now right now, tears are falling. I don't know why sometimes I'm still waiting for you when I clearly know that you have moved on. I don't know why I still try and get your attention the most. I don't know why I still like you. Fuck this. You know, right now I'm fighting with myself again. Can't help but to feel so unwanted by you. I know I'm a bore, I know I'm not pretty nor am I attractive in any way. Neither am I skinny and neither am I the right one. But it hurts me day by day to really see you give up and see me giving up in the end. You'll only treasure my presence when I'm about gone or when I do something which causes you to feel bad. Why. I don't wanna scare you off, neither do I wanna let you walk away. I don't know what I'm doing now. You worrying about me and caring is the sweetest thing to me now. I wish you'd do that. But then again, why waste your time on me right. They are so pretty, so thin and all. Self esteem level zero.

)':

2012-01-01T23:13:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

It's the start of a brand new year, a start of a new chapter in my life. Yes, although it's still rather difficult to really forget and to really move on but I promise that I'll do it, I'll try and I'll really move on. For you, and for me. Like you said, I'm doing myself a big favor. Slowly, I've taken baby steps and yes I can see and even feel the progress right now. I feel free, like I've just rescued myself from a crumbling building. Though times, I do still get slightly upset and jealous and times where I do really miss you and I'd cry, but it doesn't affect me that much as before. I have friends around me who really care about me, who are always there for me. And of course, there's you who is always there watching me from afar. I know you care and I really appreciate it. Your care is really the most supporting and encouraging to me and it'll just make me smile from the inside.

Yes, I was silly before. I did silly things which unintentionally hurt the people around me and ultimately, you. I'm sorry. Though I've stopped, the only regret I have now is that these scars here would never go away. I've to hide and lie and I hate it. When people ask, I believe they can see through my lie. But it doesn't matter now, even if people judge me, I can't do anything about it. If they are really my true friends, they'll still be there for me.

And yeah, 2012 I'm ready to embrace you.

2011-12-29T00:35:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

有时候偶尔还是会想念.

Fuck, I'm crying again

2011-12-24T03:10:00.000+08:00

Dear E,

This may by my only chance in asking you out. Fighting with myself again. I know clearly how is it going to be like. I know what's supposed to be good for me. But.. I don't know. Guess I really love you too much, even up till now, I still remember small details and I don't know. Have you ever wondered why I don't sleep so early? This is why. I'm just staying awake till you go offline, just to make sure that I would still be there for you, if you were to ever to talk maybe to me. Because I told you that I would always be there for you and I meant it. And I don't know, I'm even willing to sacrifice my meals just to save enough money to buy a X'mas gift for you. And why do I do that. I have absolutely no idea, I just do it. It comes to me naturally. Sometimes, I wish you'd notice things around you. Sometimes I wish you'd treat me better when I try and talk to you first. Sometimes I wish you'd wait for me to go home together. Sometimes I wish you'd see how much I am trying. I don't know if I'm trying to move on, or trying to stay on. This 0.01% which keeps me going. I don't know. I miss you.

2011-12-21T03:16:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

& again, you ignored my text, when I just asked you how are you doing. I don't know why. But my guy friends said that it's because you are annoyed with me, because you still find me very clingy. So I'm sorry, if you'll ever read this. They told me not to apologize to you though.

Well, today I saw you having fun with her like how we used to. That scene simply stabbed my heart. You just kept on being around her, and as much as I dislike it, I know I have no say. All I ever want is us to be back friends. But I'm glad that you came and acknowledge my presence.

Be myself. So if I ever do something wrong, you said you'll let me know. I won't forget the efforts we had put in then because it would be a waste to just lose it. So yeah, I'm doing myself a big favor. And there's nothing to be sorry about cause you'll be there, always watching and supporting me. (:

2011-12-20T01:10:00.000+08:00

Dear E,

I see you online, guess you're done with your course. Well, seeing you online reminds me of the past, whereby we'd talk till late. Memories huh. I really miss them. If one day you'll ever come across my blog, do note that till now, I really still like you. But I rather we go back to how we were, being good friends. Talking all night and all day long, with nothing to hide, being transparent with each other. Trying our very best to maintain our friendship because we both cherished. Sighs. I guess things really do change. Yes, the past can no longer be revived. All I got to do now, is to just accept and face reality. Got to be strong to forget what I once had. Those moments with you will always remain in my heart, no matter what, I won't be able to forget how happy I was because you made me believe in you and us. It doesn't matter now, all I want and wish is that we'll be back as friends again. I don't wanna' lose you kickkick...

2011-12-18T22:09:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

I keep hoping that you'd come talk to me and all. Text me, maybe. Just a simple text, like asking me how I'm doing, can really change my mood. I see you tweeting, but not replying to what I've texted you. Yes, though it's nothing much to you, a simple 'takecare!' but it means so much to me. Because it just means that every now and then, you are crossing my mind. The sad truth is, I'm not crossing your mind. How I wish you are able to read all these posts. How I wish, but no. You don't even know I'm here ranting. Yes, times and times I try to forget you, try and look at other guys out there who are really showing me much more concern and care to me than you. Making me smile and laugh. But really, at the end of the day, you are the only one I want attention from. I have no idea why you are so special to me. But that's just the way it is, the way I feel about you. Because it kills me inside every time I see you with some other people. I mean all I ever wish is for you to like me back, to be how we used to me. It's okay if we aren't together because I was so much happier then.

What if one day I loose all hope and strength to go on? Do I have to do something silly in order to get your attention? I really have the guts to do it you know. I can go all the way just to pull you back. I've tied a string on you, you can't be freed. You're trapped in my hands. If you managed to fly off, to break free, you'll have to return no matter what because I'll definitely go all out in getting you back. I've turned into someone scary, someone I don't know. But yes, the other Charmaine's dead. This is what you have taught me from this break up E, so thank you. Though I don't have the ability to ever make you smile, but I do have the ability to make you stay.

You really wouldn't wanna imagine what I can do to myself, if you ever fall in love with someone else.

2011-12-18T01:15:00.003+08:00

18/12/11 1:15 AM

Dear E,

I saw the way others made you smile. I saw the way how that person on your phone made you smile so happily. I saw all these with my own eyes. But I don't have that ability to ever make you smile again. Walking with me, is boring, I don't know what am I supposed to say to you. I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know how to turn our conversations like before, when the both of us would enjoy each other's company, so much. Where did they all go? They're all gone, all dead.

I don't know what else to say now though there's a lot of things on my mind. I'm lost.

2011-12-17T02:28:00.003+08:00

Dear E,

It has been 3 months, to be exact. I'm learning how to live without you with each breath which I continue to take in. But it is not that I can't live without you, I just don't want to. You know, even up till now, I would still constantly think about you and about any chances of us of ever getting back together again. Yes, sometimes I do get sad over the fact that we're no longer together. And yes, sometimes I would cling onto that hope that maybe you'll realize. Never give up, this familiar phrase, am I suppose to apply it into this situation? Life does contradicts itself actually.

But then again, I hope you'll be coming down to watch the musical tomorrow. Remember how I am always constantly trying to make you proud? So that you'll say in your head proudly and smiling; "That's my girl". And your voice, is still replaying in my head. Remember that night before Get Down, before we parted, you said to me "Make me proud" and because of that encouragement, I tried my best to overcome my fear and all because I really wanted you to be proud that I am the girl that you were in love with, and that you aren't ashamed of me because I don't dance well. Maybe this is why, after all these months, I tried practically almost all the genres so I can be a versatile dancer like you. Then again, I question myself, who am I doing all these for. Me or just simply for you?

Because I miss you. So badly at times, that I'd cry myself to sleep. Swallowing down all these sadness just to put on a smile of my face when I see you. It's really difficult. My tears are just falling down right now. I don't know how you're feeling right now, do you feel sad? Just let me cry one more time tonight because I'm just gonna' wake up to the same nightmare I did 3 months ago. That torturing moment.

& then I look at myself, and I realized why you left. I wish I could change, I wish I had cherished and treasured the chances you gave me. But it's just a little bit too late. Why didn't I realized in time, that I was becoming someone else, no longer that girl you fell in love with. Where's she? I think she have died elsewhere along the way, while loving you and trying to make things better maybe a little way too much. Too desperate to save the relationship till she forgot her actions was suffocating you, was straining you. But she just needed some assurance because she felt insecure, that was all. She's sorry for leaving you so sudden and getting replaced by someone else, but she's dead anyways. It doesn't really matter now actually.

Yeah, it doesn't really matter now. You've moved on while I'm stuck here.

2011-12-13T12:34:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

I dreamt of you today. It depicts exactly what is happening right now. I dont know if you had a dream about me before or not but I have countless of then about you.

So here I am blogging on my phone because Im missing you. wondering how you're doing most of the times and wondering how much fun you had without me. But yet, here i am still waiting for i don't know what to happen, to miraculously happen. I am still holding on, onto some faith you had left in my heart before to secure and protect them. I dont knw what's the point of all these now. Waiting is really meaningless now because i clearly know that it's impossible but i don't know why i even care so much. But then come to think of it, it all comes down to this. I still love you that's why i still care about you and everything else that you do. Maybe that's the reason why. But then again.. Maybe its all a part of my wishful thinking.

2011-12-13T00:07:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

Today during musical, I cried again. I just felt very clenched up inside, I had to let them go. You know, I miss you at times. Wondering how would it be like, if I still had you, if I had cherished you then. Though I regret what I've done to cause you to leave, nothing is able to bring you back. You can't see how much I've learnt, hoping that you'll be touched but no, you've moved on. You had forgotten about me, about us. And walking down that stretch of road home today alone again, I cried once more. My tears just kept coming down. Really, my heart was crying.

Today, 3 of my friends founded out my scars and shocked, they asked what happened. I lied but I couldn't lie through them. I had no better answers, it was way too obvious that I've done them to myself. I could see the hurt in their eyes, telling me not to continue anymore. Not to do this to myself. I feel that hurt, and sometimes I'm disappointed in myself. That happy front I give to people, those smiles and telling people how happy-go-lucky I am, maybe they are all fake. I don't know. But I know deep down, that currently at this period of time, I'm really depressed. It's an obstacle that I can never seem to shift away. Unless you'd come back to me, then I believe everything will be solved. But I can't be selfish and take your happiness away just to satisfy mine, I can't. All I want is you to be happy, but sometimes seeing you happy hurts me because I feel unfair. But I'd not want to drag you down to my misery with me. I don't want you to see me suffering. It's unfair. Wait, life's not even fair.

2011-12-11T14:02:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

What happened yesterday, I didn't mean to get discovered by you. I was hiding, I was running away. I never wanted you to see me in that state. I ran out, really devastated, I don't know why. That feeling, was really not describable. I collapsed, I cried hysterically, I kicked, I punched, I screamed and I inflicted pain to myself. Why? Because simply, I was facing reality all over again.

But thanks for the hug though. I really missed it so much. If I could, I'd never let go. And I'm sorry for hurting you, really I am. And I'm sorry for always constantly saying sorry because I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to talk to you again like before, because I still love you. I don't know how to be normal infront of you because whenever I see you, I'd just feel like crying all over again because it reminds me that we'd never be together because we aren't meant to be together, no matter how much I believe we are meant to be, it doesn't seem like it to you.

You told me to promise you that I'd not hurt myself, I told you I can't. And you said that I have to promise then I'd remember. And then I gave you a faint smile because those were to words I said to you, when I told you that I'd wanna marry you. So I replied the same words as how you had replied to me then. "I cannot promise you because I would not know what will happen tomorrow, the next day or in the future."

Memories. Our memories are dead. While others are continuing. As much as I'd love to revive our memories, seems like it's impossible because it takes 2 hands to clap. What's the point when I'm the one clinging on while you are there, trying to shake me off. I really miss you.

& that's what I get after suppressing everything inside. I died.

2011-12-09T17:10:00.004+08:00

Dear E,

You're back and I really have the urge to talk to you but, fear's holding me back. I wish I had the courage to do what I want. I wish you'd talk to me. Guess all my 11:11 wishes just simply, don't come true huh. Saddening much. I guess I'd just stand here and watch you from afar. All you have to know is that I'd always be behind your back, supporting you mentally. Whatever you do, I'll always believe you and my heart will always be with you. At times, I know I'll act weird infront of you, show you attitude and such. I know I have no excuses anymore. But I really miss you at times. But what can I do, nothing. I just hope that you'll always be happy and if you are having a good life from now onwards then that's good enough for me. Wonder if you'd forget me. I believe you'd. Why would you want someone like me right. Sighs, why am I even drowning myself in sadness like this? When will all these end?

2011-12-09T17:10:00.003+08:00

Dear E,

2011-12-08T00:12:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

我突然好想你.

今天，我看见了一个很像你的人。他让我想起我们的回忆，我一直看住他因为那就像看住你的脸一样。我快要哭了。我努力想起你，哭也没关系。伤心难过也不能让你只道，好痛苦只几一个人承担。你在那里，我好想你，你知道吗？我快要风了。我会快了吗？不会。

其实，我心里很难受。因为我每天在都在希望你会在有一天里想起我，想我。。。

2011-12-07T02:07:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

The day after I decided to move on, my period came back after 2 months. This sounds weird, but yeah. I'm getting better, my body's better I guess. Well knowing that you're just a fence away from school, makes me think about you when I walk down the stretch of road. Cause' you're so near, yet so far. Everytime 11:11 comes by, I'd automatically wish about you. I don't know, it's just a habit already. I get this sourish-faint-smile feeling everytime I think about you. Because I know, i'm supposed to really let go and not hold onto anymore hopes. I'm gonna' stand up this time round, I promise. It's about time I focus on my dance and studies now. Knowing you'd there to support me mentally, i'm really happy enough. (':

Thank God I won't be going to school on friday because I'd having a night performance, most prolly after that I'd go home. A little disheartening because I won't get to see you but I guess it's better because, I have no idea how am I supposed to even face you, to even look you into the eyes. Because if I do, everything will come back & I can predict me, breaking down once more and start my melodrama shit.

But in the end, I have no idea if I'm pretending to be okay or am I really truly okay.. My heart is really a master of deceiving. Even I myself, can't figure it out.

2011-12-06T00:12:00.004+08:00

Dear E,

Today I managed to survive through, well at least. I went to the library today after class to study. Unknowingly, I sat at that same corner, that same desk, that same seats where you came to school to accompany me previously. I was studying while you wear reading those comics. Because you were there, I kept wanting to play with you but you insisted that I should study. And coincidentally, we both wore the exact same outfit, without even planning. Ha, sweet memories.

Your tweets, I don't know if there are about me. But if they are, then I have nothing much to say because it's so hurtful to the heart.

Doing house reminds me of you. When people says "kick kick" reminds me of us. And the times, when you said those words because you were teaching, and we both would secretly laugh because it was like our secret nicknames. Ha. Am I trying to prove a point to you? I don't know now. My dream was to be able to match up to your standards, so that we could compete together. But now, I don't really know what's the point of me now. Am I doing it purely for myself or, is there a secrete reason why. I have absolutely no idea.

4 more days till I get to see you in school again. Really, I can't do it. The thought of seeing you, scares me. Because I don't know what I'll do. I guess I'll disappear again. ): Sighs.

2011-12-04T02:33:00.004+08:00

Dear E,

We were so happy back then. So much smiles everywhere. Sweet sweet moments because we were both in love, with each other. Waiting for you every night, talking to you every night. It's all different now. I want to start all over again, if I could. I believe I can be a better person. I believe it'll all change. I believe the ending will be different. I don't want to erase memories of us. If I could, I want to remember, I don't want to forget, even if it means me crying. Because it's okay if I cry, I want to remember us. Back then.

I feel like harming myself, or getting knocked down by a car or something. So that I can lay in the hospital and not having to worry about anything. I almost did, until you stopped me. But this time round, are you going to?

2011-12-04T01:02:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

I don't know anymore. I've been crying and crying today. Maybe I should just get lost. Maybe I should screw up myself up. Maybe I should just die and live a new life. Easy for you to say, to tell me to let go, to tell me to find something else to focus on. Fuck you. If it was that easy, would I still be here crying? Would I still be here feeling so clenched up? Would I see still here? Do you think it's fun being here? Feeling extremely sad every single fucking day. The only time I like it here is when I get to inflict pain on myself. Because I'm allowed to.

Fuck. I hate you so much sometimes. But then I'd just cry again because I can't even hate you. Tell me what's this feeling, of love and hate all at the same time.

"I would say for this case is I didn' see who you really are before we were together"

Fuck you.. You really misunderstood me.

2011-12-03T13:21:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

My body's screwed, I missed 2 months of period. Must be this emotional stress that I've been putting in my body through. Falling sick. Feeling so tired. My brain, my mind is dead, really. It seems empty most of the times. Defeated, yes I am.

What's wrong, you asked. Nothing's wrong actually, it's just I still cannot accept the fact that you know, you will never return to me and that seeing you makes me think of what we could have become. Then realizing all over again that, it's just me deluding myself. You are so near to me, yet so far. Why are you so happy, while I'm not. Is this what you really wanted of me? Putting on a mask every time, to prove that I'm alright and happy. Can't you see my cries for help? This time round, I'm drowning. Worse, in my very own pool of tears, lies and hurt.

What's the point of letting you know, when the reason's the same every time. Won't your answer be the same as well? Telling me that if I insisted on staying on the same spot, that no matter how much you try to push me out of it, there's nothing you can do. So what if I told you what happened to me, there's nothing you can do because the reason is you. Why can't you fucking see this situation that I'm in, this situation that you caused me to be in. Sometimes, I hate you so much for causing me to be like this, so emotionally affected that it screws everything up. My studies, to my body, to my smile and to my heart. I wanna' vent on you so badly, because you are the culprit of my depression. I wanna' let you know how hurtful is it to be me. I wanna' let you taste this endless pains and cryings. But then, at the end of the day, I can't. Because I can't bear to hurt someone I love..

What is this. Suffering like this, who am I to run to you when i'm sad. Yes, I know I'm a burden to you. I drowned you with my feelings, my 'changed' attitude, and hence you broke up with me. You gave up just like that. I'm not worth fighting for, isn't it?

I'm fucking crying so badly..

2011-12-03T02:20:00.002+08:00

3/12/11 02:00

Dear E,

It's not me that's crying, it's my heart.

These scars here, reminds me of the countless heartaches I experienced after you gave up on me. The tears I've shed, the silent cries every night. The silent screams in my throat and the smile that's gone. You are the reason why. Because you made me believe, in me, you and in us.

Today, I disappeared somewhere because I couldn't face you. I didn't know how, I couldn't even make myself to walk past you. I didn't know how am I supposed to react. When I see you, I feel like I'm going through another breakup all over again. I'm really tired of hiding. Tired of everything. I wish we could be back like before. No worries because we both believed. Tears, why won't you stop. I'm really emotionally defeated. That's all.

Can't even tell you what's going on in my life now. How I get sad everyday and cry every night to sleep. Tired, very tired. I miss you.

The sudden realization of truth is like me stabbing my own heart.

2011-11-30T22:04:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

With you being not contactable during these 4 days, I hope I can learn to just let go. I know now, words from me aren't much of a support to you unlike the past, where you'll hope to get my message before you head out so that it'll encourage you to fight on the life in army. And what about you looking forward to the weekend because it'll be the only time where we'll meet up and hang out till late. I remember you saying that this helped you to pass army life easier. Where is us now. Though I still try and encourage you everytime you book in by texting, I guess it's kinda useless, ain't it. You don't need it, you don't even appreciate it.

Walking home now, brings me to tears as heartache sets it. It brings me back to that night where I held your hands and believed that I wanna' be together with you so badly. That moment where everything felt so right, as we walked through that long path home together. Memories, yeah they are the past. I'm a past, while some others are a continuation. Why can't I be a continuation to you? Am I that bad? Am I too lousy a standard to you?

Heavy heart, but what can I do.

I'm sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, jealous. But you know what? I'll put on a smile and move on. It'll hurt but I will survive.

2011-11-28T10:30:00.000+08:00

Dear E,

I guess you must be really annoyed with me, for constantly bugging you. But I just.. wanna' talk to you. I think I've told you before, I'm too dependent on you and I cannot imagine my life without you. There's a theory that if you remained friends with the person you were once with after a break up, then you were never really in love. But, to me, I cannot imagine you ignoring me and not caring about me. Because, you mean so much to me.

And now, I feel so dead. My heart has stopped, my eyes has no more soul in it. I cannot just think of what I want, it's plain stupid and selfish. I really lost the strength and motivation to go on. It just feel like we broke up yesterday. The nightmare is coming back. Crying and venting. Scars on my arm, getting deeper as time passes. Why, I ask myself. Why am I doing this to myself? To get your attention? I don't know. I don't know what's going through my mind, I'm just typing down as my mind talks. Why have I turned out to be like this. Why did I even turn into this girl whom I myself, am afraid of. I need to back off, I need to hide, need to run away. Somewhere, where I can contain my feelings without being a fool, without letting you know. I'm supposed to be okay, I was supposed to let you go. I promised you, but somehow I really can't.

Just by seeing you the other day, already tore my insides. Knowing you that you are out with her, kills me. I rather kill myself. It's just so suffocating, to be here, constantly waiting for something I clearly know won't happen.

What happened to me.

I'm going crazy

2011-11-27T00:53:00.003+08:00

Dear E,

Today I finally gathered my courage to ask you if you would like to watch a movie with me. You are the apple of my eye. A movie whereby people telling me previously to watch with someone special, and I thought of you. I gathered my courage, really I did. But I guess I was a little too late. You just watched it with her today, just the two of you. (':

I should have gotten used to it by now, but why am I so affected and still feeling sad. I mean, you have the rights to fall in love with others, find someone who is and will be so much better than me. But why am I restricting you unintentionally? I'm sorry. I have no rights to interfere with whoever you choose to go on a date with and to be together with. I'm just suppose to give you my well wishes and watch you leaving with her, in pain, that's all.

I'm just sad.

2011-11-26T15:24:00.003+08:00

Dear E,

I can't help but to think that you've already have someone else, who has successfully replaced me. Then again, looking at myself in the mirror, I know why. Yes I know I'm neither pretty enough or nice enough or whatever. I know that very well myself. It just demoralizes me even more.

Yesterday I cried. All those emotions that I've been suppressing for the past month, they were so overwhelming. Just a simple thought of you, and a simple concern from you tears me into pieces. Because simply, I miss the times when you cared so much about me. It made me feel like I have nothing to fear because I know you will be beside me. Remember when I got down with high fever and was home alone, you rushed all the way down to my place because you were worried. And in the end, you fell asleep beside me, and I looked at the sleeping you and I simply smiled to myself because I really felt so blessed. That moment, I'll never forget really.

Now with my fractured finger, I really wish you would accompany me to the hospital, one more time.

I miss you, and I miss us.

And that girl, she's so lucky...

2011-11-20T22:01:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

"what if I still like you?"

I don't know why I would ask you that even, maybe because I'm really going crazy now at this point, at this moment of time. I really miss you, and seeing happy couples around me almost everyday, I can't help but to feel sad. Really, what's wrong with me..

Finger is bruised badly, swelling and I can barely move it. Rotten luck. ):

Everything's not going smoothly, I'm gonna' break down again if this continues. Sighs.

2011-11-20T01:12:00.004+08:00

Dear E,

I think I tore my finger muscle today, wished you were here to takecare of me. But who am I kidding again. I'm feeling really upset now, that I've injured myself especially when I have teensupreme tomorrow, lunchtime on monday and dance exam on thursday. What luck.

I missed you today, till I cried in school because I really couldn't contain the feelings within. I tried to text you, but you seem uninterested as usual. What can I do. I really wish you could take care of me again, like how you did, when I had a high fever. That feeling to know there is someone there for me, that feeling, it's so sweet and I felt so blessed. I just missed us again.

I'm gna sing happy ending for the auditions this coming wednesday. I really love the lyrics:

This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending. No love, no hope, no glory, no happy ending. This is the way that we love, like it's forever. Then till the rest of our lives, but not together.

Exactly.

i really really really really miss you. ):

Can you see how sad I am inside? Can you see how much I'm hiding? Can you see me crying?

2011-11-18T00:18:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

2 months have passed, just like that. But why am I still here, missing you and thinking about you? Everytime, I'd experience a sudden realization of truth. That you'll never want me back and I feel like a fool for even thinking that maybe, you'll like me once again. How stupid of me, seriously.

Never would I have thought that we would break up, that a day like that would ever arrive. I believed. Believed in you, myself and us. Believed so much that we are right for each other. But no, you gave up in the end because you found it suffocating. I loved you too much to let you go, but it hurt me even more when you said that you were not genuinely happy when we were together. That moment of disappointment, realization, sadness and hurt. That was what that made me decide to let you go because really, I never ever want to. I would hold on to us, no matter how tiring it may be, because you made me believe. But in the end, you made me fall and stumble onto the ground. I can never get back up onto my feet fully now. A great deal of hurt in fact.

Yes, we'll never know if we don't try. And yes that I should be appreciative that we did have had gotten together once. But now it just makes me crave for the past even more. I crave for your attention, I hate it when you ignore me all of a sudden. It makes me feel so unwanted by you. Selfish much, I know but I can't help it. But then again, what can I do? Nothing.

What's the use of crying when you won't be the one who'd wipe them away.

What's the use of waiting when you won't be running back to me.

What's the use of hoping when there's nothing left for me to hope for.

What's the use of being here, when you're not even there.

What's the use of being so nice to you when you broke my heart.

What's the use of wishing that you'd talk to me when there are so many other girls out there for you.

What's the use of watching you from afar when you wouldn't give me a second look?

What's the use of liking you, and getting sad every single time..?

Tell me.

2011-11-13T21:58:00.001+08:00

Dear E,

I like you and I miss you.

And you once said that you hope that you'd be the one that I'll open up to and run to. Do you still? I wonder.

And yes, I still like you.

2011-11-08T23:52:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

I still remember that you've read my blog when we just started becoming friends. Don't think you'll ever read this again. Well I doubt anyone would that's why its the safest place to talk to you, with the exception that you won't even see this. But who cares, really. I just need somewhere to express. My dairy is full, a whole book filled with pages of you, me, us and mostly you. And I'm starting a new diary and I dont want it to be filled with sadness. It's hurtful to read as well.

Though I miss you, I know where to draw the line.
Though I really wish to talk to you first, I know you aren't interested.
Though I really wish to be with you, I know its just impossible.

So really, what's the point (& yes, I tell myself that everyday)
Move on Charmaine, that's the best you can do for yourself as well as him.

2011-11-06T00:50:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

I hope you remember what I reminded you about last week.
It's Xiaoxiaopabo's birthday.

I miss those times of us.
You said that you'll takecare of her because she is apart of us then. So I hope you'll promise me that no matter what. You'll love her and take good care of her. I know you are busy, but I'm sure just saying goodnight to her before you sleep when you are out won't take up your time.

If i can never have you, then at least I know that she has you. And that's good enough for me..

2011-11-05T01:06:00.002+08:00

Dear E,

I don't know how am I supposed to feel. I don't know what am I supposed to even do. As much as I would love to accept the fact that I've moved on and is happy. I know really, that deep down, it . felt like we broke up yesterday. That's why im still stuck in the past of us.

I still crave for your attention and that perhaps one day you'll realize how much you have missed me. My hugs to my smile to everything. But I know 99.99% is that you would never love me back but its that 0.01% that keeps me fighting on and staying on. I just miss you.

Today, I was at the place where we first tonned the night out together. I know you were around that area too and I was hoping that maybe somehow I'll bump into you. Silly me, of cause it won't happen

I'm tired but I'm still thinking of you everytime, especially every night.

2011-11-02T16:58:00.003+08:00

Dear blog,

Guess you are the only one I can really turn to. I'm like talking to myself but in the situation I'm in now, fuck care.

Everytime I see her, recollections of them, their moments reappears and they just simply sadden me. I don't know how to face her. Now, she is far more important than me to him. It's like she has took over my place in being the one he would turn to and talk to and spending his scarce moments with now. But what can I do, it's him and his world and no matter how much I wanna' do something about it, I can't. I only can watch.

I only can tell him that I am good, I am happy. But who am I kidding, ha.

2011-10-31T00:19:00.003+08:00

Dear blog,

I wish he was here.
What do I do to have you here, back by my side?
(damn, I miss you so much..)

Old times, old conversations. They're all in my head. They can't be forgotten nor earased. Why.

Maybe it's because, I loved you too much.

2011-10-30T01:51:00.003+08:00

I miss you.

But I can't even let you know.

I really miss you, and us.

& fuck, why am I crying again..

2011-09-21T13:16:00.000+08:00

Hi.

I'm just depressed, that's all.

2011-02-04T17:02:00.001+08:00

No form of contact, nothing. But I just waited.

Omg, what's wrong with me

2011-02-04T00:58:00.001+08:00

Unknowingly, you make me smile. Unknowingly, it's like there is something special about you.

2011-01-01T19:46:00.002+08:00

2011.

2010 was kinda a stupid year with a lot of stupid shits happening. Stupid school life and stupid love life, not forgetting stupid heartbreaks. Stupid misunderstandings and stupid tarnishing of reputation as well. Spent nights crying and spent days thinking. Stupid false hopes and stupid lies. Feelings being played and then being ignored. Stupid mistakes made which caused me grave consequences. Wished I'd never made them. But it's over, 2010 is over.

Today is the start of 2011. It's a brand new start. Deleted all my old messages which I kept for memories (did not bear to do so actually). But without deleting, I won't be able to move on and to totally forget, so a big clap to me for taking a step further!

I don't wanna know if you want to talk to me seriously or not, because over here i am feeling really annoyed everytime when you just cut our conversation just like that. Like wtf, am I just someone who you talk to as and when you like? But since it's 2011, I shall forgive and forget and shall just treat us like nothing happened before.

& one day I'm going to find out the truth.

I hope I don't walk the same path as 2010. 2011 shall be a better year for me. I shall change my attitude and my mindset. I shall change my heart and change my thinkings. Bye!

2010-12-28T01:10:00.003+08:00

One word: Fuck.

I really feel like giving up. But I don't wanna' be a loser who quits halfway but fuck it, continuing these shits will kill me and break me down. I'm just going to blog everything because no one is going to read it anyways, I've 'closed' down my blog long enough.

During crew practices, I have half-hearted members. I have a leader who hasn't even edited a stupid shit to the song which was supposed to be done 1231237812873461286341283412 days ago when we need the song on thursday. Cleaning up the choreo and formation is not done. I have no idea what my group is doing. Distracted. That's what we are. If only my group and Riyan's group didn't merge. Because only my group is choreoing, only my group turns up for practices without fail. Only my group is putting in effort and we get hindered because of Riyan's group. I just feel so fucked up about this. It's like my group is helping them with every single shit.

And to think I could just take a break from all the crew practices shit during girls hip hop, I couldn't. Because someone doesn't like you, because someone tone was super insincere, because someone totally don't give a damn about you. And you have to tolerate all those shit, getting demoralized and hurt and causing you to hate showcasing. Yes that's how I feel. I know you don't like me, although I have no idea what I've done wrong or recall when have I stepped onto your tail. Sighs.

Tolerate till open house. I can do this.

But fuck there's still club crawl.

I hate 2nd showcase, I really hate it.

2010-12-24T11:09:00.000+08:00

Stupid bitch. I hate you. Stop acting.

2010-12-15T20:13:00.002+08:00

Hi blog.

It has been quite a while since I last saw you. It has also been quite some time since I last talked to you. Not forgetting since I last smiled at you with you smiling back. Time passes so quickly, 5 months have just passed like that. I don't know if it's still right, to feel this way. But when you sat beside me today, I missed you. I miss you being by my side, your scent reminded me of us and I miss that smile of yours. I wished I could hug you one more time. How I wish time would stop then. It felt like the past, which I miss so damn much. But I shouldn't think that way, cause' I don't wanna ruin our friendship anymore. I'll just keep this a secret. Because if you don't know and never know then it's okay for me to harbor maybe just a teeny weeny feelings for you again.

2010-12-01T23:53:00.004+08:00

Fucking busy.

Yes, just like what it says above, I'm fucking busy. I have chingay practices, crew practices, outside dance classes, studies and work probably. I know it isn't the right time to work but I got no choice. When things happen unexpectedly and so suddenly, you got no choice but to sacrifice something. So I don't know, if I work, then I won't have time for crew practices. Wanted to back out from SDD due to this and other reasons but then some people don't face the same problem as me, they won't understand. So in their eyes, backing out is a really big disappointment. Sighs.

Common test is coming, dancing is really taking a lot of time from me. I only can study during breaks, how pathetic. I told mummy that I won't let dance affect my studies, also another reason why I wanted to back out but then I heard people saying backing out because of studies is a stupid reason. I care about my results. Only one week left. I know it's only just common test but I know I will be even more busy then how I am now next year. So I gotta' score as high as I can for every stupid shit that counts in the overall grade. I've screwed up practically all of my tutorials which carry a certain percentage. I can't screw up my tests, I really can't.

Crew practices are not productive at all, don't know what we are doing anyways. I rather study. Don't feel like choreographing. It's not a good thing to do. I hope tomorrow's practice would be better, hope we can choreo something out. If I was in Jake's group, I would be so glad because I can just learn in peace without feeling inferior when comparing choreographies ): Seriously, I feel that whatever I do, is just so .. lousy.

I'm feeling so fucking stressed. ):

Once I used to have someone whom I could share my troubles with, but I didn't want to further add on to his own problems. Now, there's no one who would understand my situation.

I'm not gonna' breakdown infront of anybody. I'll put on a strong front for as long as I can. Breaking down is a sign of weakness, and it will show how pathetic I am. Just because someone broke down, doesn't mean I should follow. I am different, too different perhaps. Maybe that's why the same thing always happens to me. History always repeats itself. Shall just get use to it. The same thing will happen again. Why believe. I should stop believing. It's tiring to keep believing and I end up getting hurt always. Fuck it.

Anyways, I saw this on facebook today

"I will hold you in my heart till I hold you in my hands"

2010-11-27T23:05:00.002+08:00

Dear diary,

People are weird. Why you may ask. Because they seem to do the exact opposite of what they thought and said before. Due to this, it annoys me and saddens me because I got a different treatment in the end. I'm not gonna' name anybody here to protect the individuals yeah.

I admit, 'A' and I got together pretty fast after knowing each other. And we didn't even last a month, that's the sad part. Anyways, when 'B' knew about 'A' and I, he said he was mind-fucked. He became super cold towards me, stopped talking to me, and even had an impression change of me. We used to be pretty close, for your info. He said that it was too fast of 'A' and I getting together and he didn't understand why 'girls around me' are like that as well. But who knew, during that period 'B' became closer to another girl and after a month plus, less than 2, he got together with her.

So tell me again blog, why are people always contradicting themselves? I really don't get it. I find it really unfair. Why do I always get such treatment? I got said, misunderstood, labelled and hated because of that(I guess) but what he got, is the total opposite of mine. He received, just to put it simply, good responses.

Sighs, really sighs.

Anyways, I've always remembered. But I don't know if you really forgot, or you chose to forget about it. Maybe you can take some time and recall. But you won't have the time to now, I doubt you even want to recall. Seeing what you are doing now, still causes me to feel like this emoticon ( \: ) It's so similar, really. Shan't say anymore, it won't do me any good anyways.

BUT no harm done with this post, no harsh feelings or whatever, really. I don't want any misunderstandings again. This post is just how I feel because I really needed somewhere to rant. I mean no harm (:

2010-11-25T00:50:00.000+08:00

Can you hear these teardrops in my pillow?

They keep falling cause' I keep falling for you.

Yes my dream was telling me, warning me that something was going to happen. & it really did. I shouldn't have taken note and prepare myself for yet another of that. A sweet dream ended up to be a cold harsh reality. Take it easy Charmaine.

No I can't . Fuck it.

Life seems so unfair at times. You, telling me things and doing something else in the end countless times annoys me, hurts me and makes me feel like a real fool. Seriously. I'm saying too much? No? Because you don't know I'm blogging here so I fuck care because I know you are not going to see it.

I don't know if I should feel sad, or to feel angry. Actually I don't even know how I'm feeling. But wait, am I even supposed to feel this fucking way? Why am I like affected by your actions? Stupid me.

Yes, stupid me. I can never succeed.

& again, I got thrown down from a high-end building, landing straight to the cold hard concrete floor. In pain, crying but you just smiled and walked away.

2010-11-23T01:14:00.002+08:00

Shit.

I'm screwing my life, my name, my everything up. Why the fuck do the same things keep happening? As much as I would wish it would stop forever, it won't. Thinking about it makes me .. (I don't know what that feeling is called) . To know what others are thinking, saying behind my back, it sucks. To be labelled, it sucks too. To be misunderstood, sucks as well. I'm trying to avoid and prevent it, but somehow, I always fail. A friend of mine said it's because I'm too naive. A simple word could have saved me from all these nonsensical shit, but no, I didn't have the heart to say no.

Wish I could just wake up one day, with all problems gone. But fuck it, this is reality.

2010-11-17T03:30:00.000+08:00

Dear blog.

Maybe things aren't that simple as they seem. Because as much as I would love to not care or to not give a damn, I can't. Maybe it's cause I have not compose myself yet. Don't know how long will it take, don't know how long more. But then again it seems so long already.

But fuck it, I'm just screwing my life again.

& I don't know why I'm blogging when I have a dairy to write in. Stupid.

2010-11-11T16:51:00.002+08:00

Yes, maybe this time round I should just bottle everything up and shut up. Cus' I've lost all my motivation to keep me going. Really. I just want to give up everything. It's like I don't know what I should do with my life now. Like, I just don't feel like continuing it anymore. I have no other reasons for me to live. No more motivation. I'm lost and I'm stuck.

2010-11-05T21:59:00.002+08:00

Dear blog.

Should I believe once again? Or should I just remain the way I am now? Everytime I feel like breaking that wall, something happens which causes me to go back to the way I am. Really sometimes I just feel like giving up. Yes I'm weak but so? Because I've tried to believe and right when I was about to go for it, you pushed me down. I was hurt. Yes I was. So now, I always tell myself, why believe again. I should protect myself, shouldn't I? Because believing hurts, damn it. And if you were to look what my eyes were expressing sometimes, you would know exactly how I'm feeling.

2010-11-02T02:05:00.000+08:00

Dairryyyyy.

Ankle swollen, chest pain and I think i injured my other ankle slightly today. LOL.

Anyways, I really hope whatever I saw and experienced that day was true.

2010-10-30T00:40:00.002+08:00

Hi blog.

My ankle is really pain ): Got trouble walking down stairs.

I am thinking a lot, not sure what exactly am I thinking about. But it's that feeling which I have no idea how to describe. Sometimes, I just feel like shutting down, and to isolate myself from this world. Really. The world is too scary. Wonder why I live my life, why am I me. I'm just very tired but I cannot give up. Tell me what to do blog.

2010-10-25T01:42:00.002+08:00

Hi blog.

Today was a fun day, kept my mind of things, sort of. Laughed so much. Enjoyed myself today (:

2010-10-24T02:00:00.000+08:00

No matter what, no tears can help to cry away my sadness. No matter how much you try to cheer me up, I can't. No matter how much I wish I could tell others, it's not possible. Everything is crashing down again. I will not be the same anymore. I just want to let everything out by tearing, crying and stoning. It's always like this. There always something thats causing me to stop, due to fear of what others may think. I suffered and I kept it to myself. It was the same this time too. For me to take in everything all today, it's just too much. I don't care what others think now because I know my story well and because of something, i am not able to share it.

It's the same, assumptions. I know now. I'veclearedyours,whataboutmine?

I couldn't tolerate it myself, I had to tell someone if not I would really hurt myself. ):

I'm sorry.

2010-10-21T01:45:00.000+08:00

Dear diary,

So my guesses were right in the end, I guess. Well assumptions they may be but still they are still true. Really, I don't like what is going on. Why. In the end, the same thing happens again. Never will I believe ever again. It hurts to keep on believing. I want to give up.

Don't assume that you know what I'm trying to blog because you don't. It's a different thing anyways.

My life sucks sometimes, it's like a never ending cycle. Hate it so much. But I can't do anything about it. Imagine climbing up a mountain, and just when you were about to reach the peak, someone pushes you down to the bottom. You snowball down, you can't stop. Finally you stopped, injured but you refuse to call people for help because you are afraid they might get injured as well while trying to save you. Screw this example, I don't know what I'm trying to say also.

Just how long more, will I get out of this never-ending cycle?

2010-10-18T02:53:00.002+08:00

I don't really care now, because I've always knew that I'm pretty unlucky for some reason. The same things, always happens again and again. Sick and tired of it you may say. But some parts of me just want to care and bother. I'll leave it up to you now, because I've

tried and have done my best. Really tired.

Time to update my blog with daily life of mine.

Tomorrow is school, seriously not eggcited at all. I want my sleep. And having GGYON practice for this week. Don't know if I will put on a happy face or a cold face. We'll see. Today I went out with fbodz people. Beverly, yihui, amirul, ben, rory and seniors justin, thomas, gattison and zainul. It was a really awesome and fun day. Especially when we were playing the games on xbox and wii.

Junior exam is coming, and I'm seriously not prepared ttm. Still haven't started drilling with my group yet, I try not to because I really dread seeing bored faces of theirs. Even so, they won't take what I want them to do seriously too. Feeling rather stressed, due to a lot of things actually. Don't know if I should share it with them, I can expect their replies anyways so might as well not say. Just want this week to pass quickly and exam to finish so I can finally rest and really relax. For the whole of the 3 weeks holidays, I have been in school every single day. Dancing from afternoon till night, about 10 hours I would say. Some didn't wanna' come for practice because they were tired or aching everywhere. Then what about me and the other group leaders? We are definitely having it twice as bad as you guys. Geez.

Shall stop because I really need to sleeeep ):

2010-10-15T00:15:00.001+08:00

Dear blog,

These few days ain't very good. There's something that is constantly bothering me, but I can tell no one about it. Sighs. Today I kept thinking about it till I missed Serangoon by 2 stops. Just 4 words. It's really bothering me. Really. But I don't know what to do. Actually it's more of I can't do anything about it. Have tried. But I failed and it made me realize. That feeling, is just not healthy. Help me blog. Have teared due to this, serious. Things aren't the same anymore, everything is falling apart.

2010-10-12T10:29:00.003+08:00

Dear blog.

Uncle passed away. Mummy is feeling really sad but as her daughter, I can't do anything about it and I feel useless. Was supposed to go down to the funeral yesterday but mummy said it's okay because she knew I had dance practice. So I'm going down today later instead. I hope on Wednesday, during the cremation, I won't get to see mummy crying because it breaks my heart to see her cry. I know she is fragile inside but throughout all these years she has been putting on a strong front. Without daddy, she still lived normally and took care of brother, charlene and I and put up with my attitude.

During the past 3 months, I wasn't much of myself. I felt and I know now that I became someone else. Someone very moody at home, someone who would cry because she felt that everything is going against her. Someone who would just stare into space and just lie on her bed for quite sometime. Whenever mummy came over and ask, I would just brush her off and say it's nothing. Because I was supposed to be strong, not weak. I am sorry for yelling at her and I'm sorry for not understanding. But mummy never wanted to leave me alone, sometimes she'd text me, reminding me that if I had any problems, I have to let her know because she is worried for me and that I have to take care.

3 months ago, while me and him were sorting things out late at night, mummy realised I wasn't at home and texted over asking where I was. So I replied I was talking things out with him. The message which came later still makes me smile even today because she replied "No need to talk to him, tell him he is not welcomed even if we were together. I will beat him up if i see him" LOL.

Anyways, I told her that I'll be back around 1 am. "Please come back to sleep as you didn't sleep last night. Don't let me worry about you as I can't understand how you feel. Love you very much. Mummy" I cried.

But now, I don't know how to make her smile. It's tough because it's her brother afterall. I really feel very useless y'know. Sighs.

Today's the 12th.

After today, no more thinking about you and no more being sad over you.

I can do this.

2010-10-11T02:26:00.002+08:00

Hi blog.

I just don't like it, being treated that way. This isn't the first time already. Countless times. But not being able to do anything about it, as much as I would like to do something about it. I can't. I can't force you.

Go ahead. And leave me alone. Do the same as others. Just go ahead.

2010-10-09T18:53:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, that familiar feeling comes back. Not that I want to. Just sometimes, sometimes, I wish that you were still with me. Stupid I know. But then sometimes, I just can't help it but to feel this way. I hate being at home. I tend to think so much.

I've learned my mistake.

'I tell everyone we are through, cause I'm so much better without you. But it's just another pretty lie cause I break down; Every time you come around'

By the 12th, I will forget about us. I will live properly without you.

By the 12th, I will believe that we are just friends.

By the 12th, I will not be sad anymore.

By the 12th, you will be completely out my of life.

I promise.

2010-10-09T00:30:00.000+08:00

The moment I saw a glance of you today, I felt so so afraid. I wished I hadn't had spotted you. Why is it that you would always always always be there watching. Always, right at that moment, you'd be there. Why. And to know that you are there, it stresses me and I don't know why, I'll just feel very scared. Before I always wished you would be there watching, but not now and never will I want you to be there anymore. Because I just can't think, I can't concentrate, I can't do anything.

Today I told someone about us. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I don't know if it'll affect you. I hope not. I don't want any further misunderstandings about you anymore. I still care though, but I doubt you care about me anyways. I don't know if the person is disappointed in me, for falling for your tricks. I guess so. Sighs. That's another reason why I didn't wanna' tell either.

I. Should. Just. Not. Give. A. Damn. About. You. Anymore.

I hope I can just forget, someone make me forget please. ):

2010-10-08T01:02:00.003+08:00

Hi blog.

I am really very stressed up. Like really stressed. Like whatever I do, either it doesn't work out or people don't like it or just simply, don't appreciate it. Fbodz junior exam 2 is already killing me, with things still left to finalise by tomorrow before one of my member leaves for korea and will only be coming back on the exam day itself.

Another thing on my mind, but I cannot blog it. Everyday I think about this, because I don't want the same thing to happen. I try to prevent it, but sometimes I feel so tired about it. I don't want anyone to suffer as well. My mind is in a mess. I really don't know how I should live my life now. Should I just not go on because I'm afraid, or should I just go for what I think I would be happy with?

Actually, I have no idea what I'm typing anyways. So many things on my minddddd! ):

I'm also putting on a strong front everyday. I don't know how long I can last before collapsing again

2010-10-02T00:15:00.002+08:00

Today is a very disappointing day. Had my hopes up high, with it being crushed in the end. We didn't make it through while the rest it. That sour feeling.

Just like waiting for you, and realizing that I was just lying to myself all along. You would never return to my side.

2010-09-23T12:50:00.003+08:00

It's never too late. Once I get past this, I will be stronger. Enough crying. No more.

You said once, "Why choose to live a day sadly when you can live it happily". Yeah, so I'm gonna' do that. Thought it through. I shouldn't be waiting because I've waited. Krystal & Elliot told me once, Don't give up the whole forest just for a tree. And Elliot told me that there is a tree infront of me already. (LOL, I was told to add this in) :D

I am okay.

I am and I will be.

2010-09-21T02:40:00.002+08:00

I no longer have any more excuses to wait for you. Because now I know how you feel. My thoughts and hopes were crushed, I really thought I would have another chance. But no. It's all over. You would never come back to me.

Don't love. Because goodbye will always come.

And it hurts so much that you can't even breathe.

If you happen to read this, I'd like to say to you that I understand now. I'm sorry for causing you to feel guilty and for making you suffer because of my selfish thinking. I'll move on for real this time round, no longer will I harbor any hopes anymore because I know it's not possible. Even if we could rewind time, I would still choose the same path as I did with no regrets. No more thinking that I still stand a chance, no more.

Time, will time really heal everything? If so, then how long...

It's so difficult to stop thinking. It's so difficult, so difficult to just move on. 'Never give up', but for this situation, i have to give up isn't it? Otherwise, how would you be happy? Knowing that there is someone out there, crying for you, suffering for you, you would never be happy unless you don't care.

I cried on the train today, luckily I wore my shades to cover up. Sighs.

Today when the clock in school showed 11:11, I almost wished the same wish as I did as always. Then I stopped, because I realized that I can't continue my habit. The wish of you returning, my 11:11 wish. I didn't wish for anything then. Maybe I should have had wished for something else instead.

What to do with a heart that cannot stop aching? I don't know myself too.

Today, I looked up into the sky and I saw the brightest star, the 'Venus' and I thought of you. For a moment, I wondered if you were looking at it too, I wondered if you thought of me. I know you won't but I just can't help it, but to think if I'm still someone important to you. It just breaks my heart to know that I'm just a friend to you now. Sometimes, I wish I don't have to accept that.

Yesterday, I cried till the bottom of my eye turned red. And it hurts to even blink. But that did not matter much because my heart hurt the most. It ached and ached and ached. I cried it out, I scratched the cushion and my tears just kept flowing.

Just feel like doing nothing.

Today my mum told me that I should just end my life. And for that moment, I really thought about it. Foolish I know but I don't know why.

The night time is a time I fear the most. Because I know I'll start thinking and will cry. Alone. No more warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that you are here for me always. My heart will be heavy and it won't stop aching. Staying up till very late, for no particular reason. Just simply that I can't fall asleep. Too much thoughts, too much tears, too much heartaches. That's my night.

Slowly, I'll let go. Give me time. Give my heart time. Although it may not heal completely, it'd bit by bit. For how long, I would not know. Just hoping that maybe, maybe, maybe you'll like me again before my heart heals. Just need that tiny weeny hope, to keep me going. Can I hope still?

Maybe you would never read, but it doesn't matter now. My blog is a place for me to pour my feelings out anyways.

and,

I miss you.

21th.

2010-09-16T03:13:00.001+08:00

Dear blog,

I am crying.

Because now I know I don't stand a chance anymore.

My heart fucking hurts. And I just broke down when I saw that. Another blow to the heart, a very big blow. I cannot take it blog. I don't want that to happen. I don't know what I'm thinking. All I know is that I'm feeling so messed up, like someone just told me I only have an hour more to live and now I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so sad, so sad that he will never be back. Angry at that girl who stole his heart. Jealous, because I can no longer capture his attention and his heart. Pathetic because I'm feeling like this. Useless, because I can't do anything about it. Foolish, because I wonder why a part of me still can't get over it.

It's like everything is crashing down all over again. Like I'm going through what I've already been through during these 2 months. It's just so hard to go through. Right now, my nose is so stuffed up and my heart hurts like god knows what. I want to cry out loud but I can't because its fucking 2 plus am in the morning. Why did I have to see that at 2am in the morning. Why.

I know you aren't feeling well these few days. I know. I wanted to ask, but just asking how have you been doing is a fucking difficult task. I do not want you to think I'm fucking desperate for you to talk to me. I no longer want that. But I fucking care about you. I'm always worrying if you'd injure yourself or injure your old injuries, do you even know that? I'm always worrying if you are eating properly. Always worrying if you'd fall sick again. Do you even know that?

My tears keep falling but I can't do anything about my heartache. I feel so damn terrible right now. Blame myself for falling in love with you. Blame myself for hoping that you'd return. Blame myself for letting you go in the first place. Blame myself for every single fucking thing that I've done wrong to cause your feelings to fade.

'How I hope you will be happy always and I take all the pain in you'

I'm not okay. I want you to know. Feel guilty because this is all your doing. So that you won't fall in love with her. Fuck care if I'm selfish now because if I can't have you then nobody else can have. Fuck care if you will suffer because I've suffered and am still suffering. Fuck care if you hate me because you caused me to be like this. Thanks for confusing me, causing me to think that I still stand a chance in winning your heart back. Thanks for making me feel like a fool by waiting. Thanks for causing me to have multiple heartbreaks. Thanks for making me cry. Yes thanks for everything. Thanks for making me suffer all over again. Thank you so much.

But I don't hate you, I'll never hate you nor dislike you or anything.

How I wish your heart will hurt when I cry. How I wish you would feel useless when you can't do anything about it when I cry. How I wish you'll get jealous of me being with other guys. How I wish. But my wishes never came true, none of them came true. When I was ill, you never even fucking cared. But when she got hurt by a fucking stupid silly minor thing, you cared like fuck. WHY. Yes call me a jealous ex-girlfriend for all I care. Because I am seriously fucking jealous at everything. I am jealous of her and I fucking hate her. Call me childish for all I care because I don't give a fucking damn about it. I'm just feeling so damn angry and sad and everything now.

He'll never know how much I suffered over him. He'll never know how much I cried over him. He'll never know how long I waited for him. He'll never know my story. All he'll know is her. Not me. I'm a past tense now and forever will be in his life.

2010-09-13T01:23:00.001+08:00

Dear blog,

Sometimes, I become a real selfish bitch. Why am I suffering here while you are feeling a-okay over there. Why can't you suffer as well. It feels so unfair. And nothing could change it. But then sometimes I just want you to be happy. To know that you are smiling is all good for me because you have a very nice smile. A smile that melts my heart, that kiddish smile. Then to know that the reason why you are happy is because of another girl, my heart got crushed. Crushed into tiny little pieces. Do you know that feeling? That feeling of hatred, jealousy, pain, sadness and anger all into one. Even up to now, I still don't know if I should feel happy for you.

Don't know what's so good about her anyways. Yes I'm being a real bitch, I know. But I still lost, lost to both the girl you loved before me and the current her. What does that mean? It means that I ranked last, and it shows what a failure I am.

And sometimes walking past places where we've been to, I'd recall whatever that had happened that particular day. I still do and it's not that I want to. Somehow it triggers the memories to be played in my head over and over again. Erasing isn't an option here, and even so, I've told you I'll never want to forget even if I can. You'll want to forget because you'll want to move on. To you, you think moving on will be happier for both parties but let me tell you, that's just your selfish thinking. I never moved on even until now, I'm still trapped in that frame, unable to come back to reality sometimes. But instead of confronting the truth I have to face no matter what, I chose to hide. To shield myself, and whatever. I lied to myself and I believed what was false. I just couldn't bear to let my heart ache once again.

It has been already 2 months since that day and,

I miss you.

Letting me go was so easy for you. Letting you go was the hardest thing I've done in my life.

Have you ever missed me even a slightest bit during these 2 months?

I wonder

2010-09-05T01:35:00.001+08:00

Dear blog,

Sometimes I wonder, what if I hadn't met him, would my life still be the same? There are so many unanswered questions in my head and I don't even know how and where to start from. I don't even know the purpose of me blogging right now. No aim. No nothing. I'm just typing aimlessly.

It's like I could have prevented myself from the way I am now. There were so many things which I shouldn't have said or done. I just killed myself so much faster. If I had not brought my laptop to school that day, if I had not web-cam with him that day, he wouldn't had messaged me and we would had just remained as friends, not lovers. But it was all planned, it's fate.

And because fate brought us together, I really thought we were meant to be together. No matter how silly it may sound like, I never regretted being with you although it was a short period of time. Because I always had believed that you were the one for me, I always had believed that you and I could last, that you could always make me smile, that you could always take my troubles away, that no matter what you would never leave me. But I was wrong. Wrong indeed.

Remember that Wednesday when I cried and you kept asking me what happened and I didn't know what to tell you? The reason was this, I cried because I thought I wasn't being a good girlfriend, that I was afraid that I can't give you much in return because I had a phobia. But you'll never know. But in the end, I overcame my phobia and fell deeper in love with you.

Remember when you told me that your feelings were not as strong as before one saturday. That sometimes your heart felt numb, that you still think of that girl you fell in love with before me whenever you saw her. To take in all those at that moment, I just couldn't and that's why I cried. Do you know how badly I missed you those days until I had not got the mood to do anything? My sixth-sense told me something was going to happen but I chose to ignore it.

Remember when you said you needed a week break to sort out your feelings one Monday. 2 days later, you told me everything was alright and I was so glad that I was able to have another chance. Do you know how happy I felt because the day before, that night was the hardest night I had to endure, to go through. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even close my eyes for a second. Because right when my eyes were shut, I would just think of you and my tears just kept falling and falling and my nose just kept getting stuffed up. My heart ached like nobody's business and I really wanted to let out that pain, that suffering but I couldn't. I could not let anyone know I was crying . But you'll never know.

Remember that night when I went to your house when you were sick? After I left, I messaged you that I wanted to ask you something but in another time? Never you wondered what I wanted to ask you? I really wanted to ask you if you have really sorted out your feelings because you took a day or two instead of a week. And I regret not asking because I was right in the end. You never had sorted out those feelings of yours, you lied to yourself and me that you still had feelings for me. You never missed me, you never cared, those messages were just lies weren't they?

During that few days, your messages were cold and everything. I knew exactly how you felt, I knew my chances of loosing you were high, I knew I had to do something. Something that might stop you from leaving me. I'm no superwoman and I only could come up with a lousy, useless and stupid idea of visiting you at your workplace, to bring you a drink in case you were thirsty, to just see you. But I was really desperate, I don't know why because I knew something bad was going to happen if I don't do anything. I'VE TRIED, I REALLY HAD TRIED MY BEST but nothing worked. Whatever I did failed. But in the end, that day I realised that you were different, that you treated me differently and I felt so empty. Yes that empty feeling of loving someone with an empty heart and I actually accepted that fact and I did not mind.

But it came that day, that Sunday when everything changed. You know that feeling of everything is just ... wrong, that feeling of knowing that is going to happen, that feeling of knowing you can't do anything to stop it, that feeling of being thrown in a corner alone. That horrible feeling of knowing the person that you love may leave you anytime. What if I hadn't asked you that question, maybe we would have lasted longer. I still blame myself for not enduring it a while more, maybe that could have changed our fate. Maybe.

"I'm always here ah. Also won't run away =)"

I cried my heart out at your replies, and I kept asking myself why, what did I do wrong, why did it became like that. My brother caught me when I was about to leave the house to cry elsewhere. He told me you were not worth my tears, that I was stupid to cry over us. But I didn't listen, I still cried when I went to bed. I was scared, really scared of what was going to happen.

I never wanted to let you go, I really wished I didn't that Monday but asking for another chance seemed so difficult for you. Seeing you stressing over if you should give us another week pains me. I never wanted to see you unhappy and everything, all I want is you to be happy which you definitely are now. In my mind that day, I was deciding if I should hold on to you or to let you go when you would be much happier because you no longer had feelings for me. And I know it is like a burden to have someone loving you when you don't even feel a shit about her. Never cried so much in my life before. I couldn't even bring the words to my mouth that I had to resort to typing out "I will let you go" on my phone. Fuck. The moment I showed you, I really wished that I had erased it. I held back my tears, I held back everything but the moment you hugged me, thanking and apologizing to me, I just let my feelings out. I just allowed the person I love to leave me.

Those laughs and everything was just masking how I felt inside because I really wanted to keep in contact with you. I lost you as a lover, and I didn't want to loose you as a friend.

"You are my veryveryveryveryvery good friend. More than friend"

But now? You don't even give a shit about me.

I find myself so silly. Planned how to celebrate your birthday and our special day together that day before you requested a week break. I was hoping we could go on a picnic and I'd prepare a lot a lot of food specially for you because you eat a lot and I don't know why, seeing you eat makes me happy. Then we would just spend our day there I guess. Never got a chance to plan what we should have done on that day, it never happened anyways.

But you coming down to watch me perform was the best thing because I really missed you and to tell you the truth, ever since the day we broke up, I never had accepted reality, never had accepted the truth. I still treated you as my boyfriend although you don't know it because it shields me from the pain. I was living in another world. But whenever night came, I would cry myself to sleep because I'd realise that we are no longer together. And would wish that you would change your mind and love me again.

"I really hope I could love you back the way you love me... I really hope I can..."

And because of this, because of what you told me. I waited and I hoped. And at every 11:11, I would wish that you'd return everyday. Because I thought you'd try your best to like me again, to find back that feeling but you never did, did you? You just left and never look back, never even tried to fall all over in love with me again.

I would never want to forget this relationship, I would never want to forget that sweet feeling when you first said that you missed me, or that warm fuzzy feeling when you held my hand. I would never want to forget your hugs and your kisses and I would never want to forget how much I love you.

For the past 2 months, I lived the same way everyday. For the past 2 months, I always think about you before I sleep till I cry. For the past 2 months, I waited and waited and waited like a fool at something which never could happen. Because I really wanted us to be back together again. Knowing you have someone else in mind kills me. Because I wanted that someone to be me instead but I wasn't her. I was jealous and angry and upset but I couldn't do anything. I hated her and I felt so horrible.

After so long, you never kept in contact with me and I've already accepted it. Because you always never mean what you said. I tried to keep in contact with you by shamelessly messaging you everyday, I felt like a desperate fool, I really did. Because I believed by keeping in contact with you, at least by messaging, you would somehow have feelings for me again just like how we started to message each other every single day before we got together. This is how silly I am. But you'll never know.

Making me believe that you are no longer with me, making me accept reality and stop believing that you'll return was so difficult. Have smiled, have cried, have been angry, have been disappointed, have been jealous, have suffered, have believed, have loved and have been loved.

Although I really thought we were meant to be, apparently you didn't think the same way as I did. But now I'll really let go, although I cannot bear to. Because I keep thinking that you'd come back for me so I can't move on. So that hope of you returning has been harbored into my heart. But I know I have to let you go even though I really don't want to because I cannot make my friends and family worry. I cannot continue to let myself suffer like this.

I don't think i'd be able to move on because you sealed my heart completely when you left. But if you were to miss me, look up into the sky and find 'venus'. If you were to feel that everything is against you, look up into the sky and find 'venus' and I hope it'll remind you that I'm always here for you no matter what. That you can always find me in times of need, or when you need a listening ear or simply a hug to cheer you up.

I'm in a daze now, my mind's all blank. Teared while typing this post. My heart is heavy. I don't know this feeling is. I don't know what I'm thinking. I can't even remember why I want to blog. Aimless typing results in this long post.

I promise you i'll let you go fully.

and Thank you for everything.

2010-09-02T13:40:00.002+08:00

You walked towards me, smiling happily in my dreams

You hugged me and told me you had a blue-black on your forehead.

Then you held my hand and I got a shock.

You looked into my eyes so deeply and they told me that you really loved me.

I woke up, and realised that it wasn't real. It was only a dream, a dream that would never happen.

I don't know why I would dream of you, but all I know is that I really wish that dream had never ended, that I rather not wake up because I have to accept reality all over again.

Are you still thinking if I am fine, if I am okay?

Are you still worried that I am thinking too much, that i'd tire myself out?

Are you still scared and worried about me?

Are you still hoping, really hoping that you can love me back the way i loved you?

Are you still sorry for hurting me?

Does hurting me still pains you?

Am I still someone important you cherish?

I'm trapped in the past and I just can't seem to move on.

2010-08-31T00:09:00.003+08:00

Do you still remember the day when we first met?

I still remember those words that you told me

I'll back off so that you can live better

I'll forget so that you can live better

Without me, you will be happier.

어차피 이럴거면서 왜 날 사랑한거니

2010-08-29T21:10:00.000+08:00

You have sealed my heart completely when you left

2010-08-25T13:13:00.000+08:00

You don't need me now because you got someone new.

But you said once that I was someone important and someone that you cherish.

Am I still am?

This feeling of hatred and jealousy and unhappiness mixed into one, sets my eyes on fire. No words can really express how horrible I feel now. Crying doesn't help, because I've tried that countless times.

But I don't hate you. Instead, I hate her.

Why can't I be her?

Why can't I live as happily as you are now.

Why is my life so screwed up after I met you.

Why the F did you even hold my hand?

Why the F did you make me fall for you.

Why the F was I so stupid to fall for you.

Why the F am I still clinging on.

Why the F can't I forget.

Why the F does the memories keep coming back?

Why the F do I even want to remember those memories.

Why the F everything.

I miss waking up to your morning messages.

I miss cuddling your jacket

I miss that warm fuzzy feeling when our fingers interlock.

I miss your hugs and kisses.

I miss your care and concern.

I miss your presence.

I just miss you.

"Dun be scared ya . I'm always here. "

You never meant what you said.

FML once again.

2010-08-24T14:50:00.003+08:00

Yes I am jealous, but you won't care so why the F do I even care?

If I can't have you, then I don't want you to have anyone else.

Selfish much, I know. I don't want to think this way too but I can't.

2010-08-21T21:34:00.003+08:00

Today's the 2nd 21th.

You and I both know what it means.

Maybe you have already forgotten but I'll never.

Today, I sat down at that green bench at that same exact spot 2 months ago. For how long, I really don't know. All I know was that my tears kept flowing. I missed you.

2010-08-19T01:36:00.005+08:00

-

I'm really gonna go crazy.

The thought of you & whoever that it may be kills me.

Pretended to be happy infront of you

Pretended to be fine infront of you

When I was not.

I can't do anything about it, and I hate it.

Angry. Jealous. Pathetic. Useless.

So do I have to harm myself to gain your attention?

Crying myself to sleep again for sure

2010-08-18T16:12:00.000+08:00

It's not that I can't live without you

It's just that I don't want to.

I want you in my life.

2010-08-15T02:35:00.000+08:00

Dear blog,

I've been dancing like everday for this week. Tomorrow imma gna go for dance again. Tiring but I likey (Y)

Because it distracts me from you
Because it causes me to forget
But F, I still get jealous.

I can do this, I will be able to live normally again. Although it will definitely take some time, I trust my heart will let you go, someday. Cause now, my feelings diminish little by little whenever I feel unhappy and jealous and everything over what you do. It's a good thing for you isn't it? But the problem is that I will have to get hurt again and again and again. It's tough seriously. So why are you living happily and not getting hurt when I am the only one feeling all these shit. Sighs. (And I know after blogging this, someone is going think 'serve you right', but I don't give a F shit about what you think anymore) So yah.

Sometimes, that scent just appears and it reminds me of you.

2010-08-12T12:21:00.002+08:00

-

Today is the 12th of August. Do you remember what happened a month ago?

I just read something which caused me to feel just so .. so sad.
I was just another girl, without a single bit of specialness to you.
Sighs.

2010-08-10T21:47:00.001+08:00

Dear blog.

By indulging myself with games, I was able to forget.
Hence, I played for the whole day, everyday.

2010-08-08T23:04:00.003+08:00

안녕 다이어리,

내 가슴을 아프게 한 그대를 잊지 못해
내 마음을 슬프게 한 그대를 지울 수 없어
바보처럼 잊지 못한 내 사랑
혹시라도 그대 돌아올까 떠나질 못해

It was nice to see you 2 months ago.

2010-08-07T20:19:00.004+08:00

-

Don't know why I'd cried.
Just that my feelings broke out after anchoring them inside my heart.
I was going to be alright, but after today, my heart is wounded again.
I still think of you every night before I go to bed.
I still think of you whenever I walk past places of us.
Don't know why, it just happens.

Cause you said everything was fine a month ago.

12:02AM 8th August
Don't know why,
But my heart really hurts now.
Longing for something that I'll never have.
I really have no mood for anything now.
It's like i've traveled back in time, to the time like a month ago.
My feelings now, they are so exact ..

2010-08-07T02:44:00.002+08:00

Dear blog,

I'm not planning to sleep tonight. It's already 3am. So ya.

I know, I am trying too.
Because you're not me, so you don't know how I feel.

2010-08-06T11:21:00.002+08:00

Dear blog,

Just when I thought I was okay, I had to dream of us. With me crying and us hugging.
Damn you dreams.

2010-08-05T18:41:00.003+08:00

Dear blog,

Now I seriously need to rant. I seriously cannot take those F nonsenses of hers.

Today after maths tutorial, a quarrel broke out between Julian and I with Yanjean. Because of the SWP project. I seriously cannot tolerate YJ's attitude and crap. Julian and I were supposed to write the report while yj and wini were supposed to do the poster. So it's like whatever Julian and I did, spent nights not sleeping just to finish that report, she totally like edited it and practically writing everything again herself. Like wtf. & today, she changed the whole abstract and conclusion portion and obviously the abstract was wrong. The conclusion part, I didn't wanna say anything bout it. So because the abstract was wrong, julian had to rewrite whatever she and I wrote previously because we did not have the previous copy anymore. With only 2 hrs to spare, (to come up with a very good abstract, that's pretty hard) she had to crack her brains to remember what we wrote. Then we realised that YJ was also writing the abstract as well, F. So Julian went to ask why was she writing the abstract as well. Then the quarrel started. I went in and asked them to shut up, then YJ fucking yelled at me, so we were yelling like each other. KNN. Julian then said she wasn't going to continue with the abstract anymore and told YJ to do it. THEN YJ JUST FUCKING SHUT DOWN HER LAPTOP AND THREW THE WHOLE MESSED-UP SHIT TO US AND LEFT. So poor us, we had to chiong everything.

It's not like we want to quarrel with her. It's her attitude, her fucking attitude. You know, she said that Julian and I DID NOT DO ANYTHING, were NOT RESPONSIBLE, and WERNT COOPERATIVE and all these shit. Like HELLOOO? She claimed she came up with the idea, told us what to write. The problem is that that fucking idea, she just concluded that we were gna use her idea and ordered us to collect rainwater, just like that. WITHOUT ANY DISCUSSION because Julian and I had no freaking clue that the project changed and were told to just collect rainwater. So okay we did, we FOLLOWED what she said. And because of her CHANGING the project as and when she liked, without tell us, our whole project is wrong and she BLAMED us because we were gna fail . Even if we were to voice out, she would just turn on her emo/PMS mode. For the IMB, we were suppose to invent something. So for her group, just because her members founded her ideas unrealistic and did not want to choose her ideas, she went EMO MODE and attituded people. SEE HOW TO COOPERATE WITH HER. Because she INSISTS of doing things her own way. Argh.

Julian and I wrote the report, but she fucking changed it. WE DID SOMETHING, but she on the other hand, did not. Wini did the poster and the slides by herself while YJ only EDITED. That's her "EVERYTHING IS I DO ONE" And that editing part is so getting on my nerves, it's like every single thing we wrote, she had to edit like she fucking don't trust us, like whatever we wrote are bull shit and nonsensical. F you. When we had our presentation, she demanded that she wanna edit our scripts. Yah, and you know what, she edited until it made no sense, canceling all our important points and made ours so brief and hers with alot of details. You know why? Because each of us only had a maximum of 2 mins to speak, so if ours were shorten, she could have had more time to say her portion. That's her editing, which was unnecessary and her way of saying that she contributed ALOT to this proj. Go die please.

Seriously man, we are still grouping with her for the National Education Proj. Idk what will happen next. SIGHS.

2010-08-02T17:22:00.002+08:00

-

Walked past the place where we broke up today.
It feels so surreal

2010-08-01T22:17:00.000+08:00

Dear blog,

I'm still sick, shit. My stupid fever ain't going away. Don't know if I can go sch tomorrow.

Then I got hit in the face by reality again.

It's heartbreaking that you don't care when you said you would.
My thoughts are just flowing in and out, in and out.
Just that I miss you. It has been 20 days already.
Don't you miss me, even a slightest bit?
Everyday I'd have to make myself believe that we are just friends.
"Take care and rest well my friend"
At that moment, reality hit me so hard that I actually cried.
I know you are trying to remind me that we are no longer together.
But I really don't know why, my heart refuses to let go.
This hope of you returning one day has been anchored deep inside my heart.
& now I can no longer do anything about it.

My life's all gloomy now.
I lost a love one, and I lost a friend.
A friend who did not meant what he had said.

I'm making my brother worry, it seems like he is the only one who knows that I'm not okay.
Sorry blog, for not having any happy posts for the past month. Just that you have become a place where I can express most of my hidden feelings without fearing that he'd see. But I promise you blog, that someday eeniamrahc.bs will be back like it used to be.

I hope.

2010-07-31T19:34:00.002+08:00

Dear Blog,

Charmaine is sick, at the wrong time damn it. She slept for the whole afternoon without studying for IMB and maths test coming this week and not forgeting that stupid french role-play. Obviously, she's not tired now. She's just bored because her mind is all fniawbcajkscbasdbvwebdvkasbdvhjabdvansdm.

Hurting you is equivalent to hurting myself
But hurting me is equivalent to hurting nobody.

Don't know why I still can think so much when I'm sick. Screw you memories. You make my life tough.

2010-07-30T23:53:00.002+08:00

-

Lappy spoil, totally sian TTM! :@

A month ago, we were both happy.
A month later, only you are happy.

Thought of you today. Idk why.
Just that I missed you again.

Today isn't a good day anyways.

2010-07-29T21:45:00.002+08:00

-

Flu flu flu flu flu.

Seems like you find me annoying, Idk I just got this feeling.
Feels like you don't wanna' talk to me anymore.
Because I keep trying to talk to you, now I feel like a desperate fool.
Stop making me feel like a nuisance.
I just want things to be the way it was before now
Because I know I can no longer have your love.
So let's just be very good friends, shall we?

):

2010-07-28T21:50:00.001+08:00

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Jealousy.

2010-07-27T22:58:00.002+08:00

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I know you find me annoying
I know you don't care about me anymore
I know you hate me
I know it all now

I don't wanna go back to reality anymore.
I wanna stay in my dream forever.
The dream where you & I would always be together.

2010-07-26T21:31:00.007+08:00

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If I told you that I still miss you, will you feel the same way too?
If I told you that I still can't let you go, will you come back?
If I told you that I still cry at night, will you wipe those tears away?
If I told you that I still love you, will you hug me and tell me that everything is alright?

No you won't. I know the answer very well myself too.

But F myself, why am I holding onto you so much?
Why am I still hoping and wishing and praying everday that you'll come back?
Why can't I fucking let you go?
Why am I making myself suffer like this.
Everyday my heart hurts so damn much.
The smile on my face is just to mask over how I really feel inside.
Because how the F can I be fine when the person I love left me.

If only you know how I feel ..

You said you wanna' keep in contact with me.
But why am I the one who keeps trying to talk to you ever since that day.
I'm scared that I'll annoy you too much if I keep doing that
So why can't you talk to me first?

And I'm just so angry at myself, I hate myself seriously.
But I don't hate you, i'm not even angry at you. Why?
All I know is that I'm gonna' wait for you
I don't care how stubborn or foolish or stupid I may be
Because I have already told myself that you'll be my last.

FML.

2010-07-24T20:02:00.002+08:00

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Thanks everybody for coming down to watch my performance today <3
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Glad you came, glad that I got to see you.
I miss you a lot, more than you can ever imagine.
I'm not fine, I was never fine.
Because I still can't let you go.
My heart still hurts as much.
But you'll never know.

I'll never have you, no I won't.

2010-07-22T23:54:00.002+08:00

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You'll never know much i miss you.
You'll never return no matter how much I wish and pray.

2010-07-21T23:50:00.001+08:00

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Today's the 21th.
The day which was supposed to be special for me and you.
The day which I should be happy.

21 will always be a special number for me.
Because it represents me and you.

2010-07-20T20:40:00.001+08:00

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Tomorrow will be a very sad day for me.

2010-07-19T18:34:00.003+08:00

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Sighs, can't focus.
Reports not done, tutorials not done, e-tests not done.
Walked under the rain yesterday for 1.5 hours, so why the hell am i not sick. Unfair.

My heart ached all of a sudden again today.
I'm still lying to myself, I know.

2010-07-18T10:12:00.001+08:00

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Sighs, I miss you..

2010-07-15T23:15:00.005+08:00

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Knn. Seriously.
Don't piss me off.
_l_

Don't come and act nice infront of me anymore.